Who's On First Watch?

After a long day of zombie escape and evasion, the sun is setting and it is time for our favorite Walking Dead characters to go to ground. Everyone's a bunch of sad pandas and have been waiting all damn day to shut 'er down for the night. That is with the exception of one brave hero who mutters those infamous words:

"I'll take first watch"

We'll that's very generous of you Mr. Dixon, but this senior army corporal finds that statement highly dubious.

First of all, where exactly are you going to take first watch, Darryl? How is the next person who relieves you going to find you? And for that matter, who is going to relieve you? When do I have to wake up? Do I take my boots off now? What do I do with my boots Darryl?

These are a few of the myriad of questions running through my head that no one else seems to care about. (No excuses for you Abraham - soldiering requires a little more than just wearing non-issue pants). So today, I am going to enlighten all the dead-heads out there on how to put together a sentry list, so that you all know when and how long you can take your boots off for.

Step 1: Draft a Sentry List

This is shit simple - you're going to make a simple two-column chart on notepad paper. Make one column with all the 1-hour increments between now and daybreak, and another column with everyone's name. Now everyone knows when they have to get up to take sentry duty. And by the way Darryl, first watch is the best one because you get to sleep all night afterwards.

Step 2: Pick a Half-Decent OP (Observation Post)

You may think roaming in the woods with a crossbow makes you hard as fuck Darryl, but guess what, those zombies aren't going anywhere - they'll come find you. You're not doing anyone any favors by conducting one-man clearance patrols all night. Patience is a virtue, and mine is running out watching you bumble through the bush, abandoning your main body.

Step 3: Get on Your Guts

Zombies aren't intimidated by your show of force, Abraham. Your run-ins with Zach can be severely reduced at night if you just hit the dirt, laid low and stopped profiling your upright walking, cigar-smoking man-meat. You're in Georgia and it's not even wet out! I would felate a rhino to have those kind of ground conditions! Count your blessings, hit the ground and stop announcing your position and tactical ignorance.

Step 4: Stay Awake

Now that you're nice and comfy on the ground . . . don't fall asleep! When you feel yourself doing the Hungarian sausage dance (picture a bobbing head, and a mouth that can't make it's mind up to being either open or closed), give your head a shake, chew some tobacco, or slap yourself silly. If you're super soft-serve and simply must tap out then go wake up one of the other dozen survivors you're holed up with. There's a good chance that half of them suffer from night terrors anyways - you'd be doing them a favor.

Step 5: Light Discipline

I will never understand the fascination with having an open flame in the zompocalypse. All of your tactical OP efforts are rendered null when what appears to be a Harry Potter book-burning becomes an open invitation to every walker with eyes still in their sockets. Police your fire and dig a pit for your flame my friends.

Step 6: Keep the Sentry List and a Watch Handy

Now that you're on watch, it's up to you to keep track of the time and to wake the next buddy up. (That pocket watch is more than a piece of bling, Glen) You'll have to run back to camp and boot them in the side five minutes prior - that give's them reasonable enough time to drop their cock and grab their socks.

And there you go survivors - you've just run a successful night watch. Everyone has an equal sleep allotment, so nobody can say they got chinced out of sleep. The guy who ended up taking the second-last shift may have a few grumblings but hey - that sounds like a personal problem to me!

So next time you bug-out for the zombie apocalypse, and some sleeveless redneck steps up to plate for the first watch (which, by the way - sleeveless at two o'clock in the morning while remaining completely still is not a fun time) I want you to grab a pen, paper, and watch and tell Darryl, exactly where he can put his boots.