The Winter Soldier

Roll up your toque and strap on your snowshoes ladies - it's winter time in the zompocalypse and you find yourself taking first watch on OP (Observation Post) duty in the middle of a worst-case-Ontario blizzard.

Everything is great now - the minus temperatures have frozen Zack in his tracks, and you have nothing to worry about now except the occasional well-dressed, thawed-out walker who had the right mind and good fortune to dress warmly before they turned to the dark side.

Trouble is, you're on OP and freezing your cock off. And because you're a switched-on, dialed-in super-survivor that adheres to my lessons in Tactical Fieldcraft, you're not making a fire and broadcasting your position to the zombies and the communists.

So I'm gonna give you three hot tips that will keep the blood pumping through your veins when Mother Nature is doing her damnedest to kill you. No light or noise required.

Hot Tip #1 Put on the Infantry Sweater.

What is the Infantry Sweater you ask? Well young recruit Stadnyk's curiosity was also piqued with the very same question once upon a time. Much to my dismay though, the Infantry Sweater is not a tricked out piece of kit covered in molle.

To put on the Infantry Sweater, simply adopt the prone position and start hammering out pushups until you collapse. The more you struggle, the warmer you get. Yee-hah!

Hot Tip #2 Nothing more annoying than gripping your weapon at the low-ready, and then all ten of your little dick-beaters start to freeze up. Well there's an app for that. Take your hands and squeeze the hardest fist you can for 1-2-3 seconds. Then release and hyperextend for another three. Keep doing that and you will feel the blood rush to your extremities every single time.

Hot Tip #3 This one involves my two favorite things; friction and a fireteam partner. All you gotta do is stand behind your FTP and give him or her a good old fashioned rub down - of the arms. Rub up and down the length of their arms, in a frantic motion, creating full-body heat.

And that's 'er! Use these tips when on first watch, and they will keep you relatively thawed out and concealed all the way to last watch.

Stay tuned next week when I enlighten you as to why you should never, ever offer to take "first watch".